Teach kids that marriage is about more than love

I am the first to admit that in retrospect I was completely naive when it came to marriage. Depending where you grew up and how you grew up shapes how you attach, connect and ultimately choose a partner. In the United States we tend to romanticize marriage as a singular feeling that sustains (however much we might love The Notebook, it’s not reality) and while a ‘meet cute’ is obviously a great way to start off a relationship I think most of us now realize that once kids enter the picture and responsibilities shift, a marriage usually does as well, but only about 50% of us seem prepared.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to support my daughter on her path to adulthood and ultimately, motherhood and it was while listening to my new favorite podcast with Amy Poehler (Good Hang) last weekend that I had an aha moment. She was talking to fellow comedian, Zarna Garg, who has actually only been doing stand up for only 4 years; but has had a career many only dream of.

Anyway, Zarna is from India and a lot of her comedy pokes fun at her culture, the U.S., love and marriage. I found out in this podcast that when she was a teenager her mother died and her father wanted to marry her off. Instead of choosing that path, which was considered an easy one, Zarna moved to the US with $9 in her pocket to live with her sister. After getting her degree, she was finally ready for marriage, but instead of having someone else doing the arranging, she did it herself.

She posted a personal ad in a local indian newspaper that read something like this:

I’m short and hardworking, but enough about me, I’m looking for someone who wants to partner in this journey we call life. I’m going places and I want to be with someone who wants to join me for the ride.

Her approach, while hilarious, was also extremely honest. She said exactly what she wanted, received over 100 responses (and tax filings because this woman was practical). The man she chose, as she tells it, became her best friend and they have been happily married for over 20 years. The lasting factor has nothing to do with romance or love or even sex, it has everything to do with mutual respect.

While love is important and fun and exciting, it is the respect of the other person that allows two people to grow, shape and support one another. I believe this is what we should be teaching our kids and reflecting back to them in our own marriages and relationships. Afterall, giving them the gift of being able to bond and connect with others in meaningful ways is one of the greatest gifts you can pass on.